Lyle's Book Club:  More tips from Rex & Sparky

Welcome back to my book club!  Today I'm reading again from The Dangerous Book for Dogs, by Rex and Sparky.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Skye, who I used to think was my friend.  Strong words from a peace loving Whigle, you say?  Lyle, who never barks anything bad about anyone?  Except maybe Spring.  She can be a real crankypants.  And Maebe.  Because she's a stinkin' thief.  And the UPS guy.  Just on principle.  And puppies.  Because they bug me.  But other than that, I'm a super nice Whigle.  So why is Skye a former friend? All I have to say is this:  Screaming Monkey Hat.  Thanks a bunch, Skye.

Okeydokey, pups, settle in and grab a snack.  Here's the chapter you've been waiting for:  How to Escape Humiliating Costumes

"However much you wish to please your owner, you must put your paw down when it comes to costumes.   Being dressed in a studded biker helmet and a pair of vinyl chaps demeans you both.  If your owner insists on putting you in one of these costumes, bark twice, aggressively, to voice your displeasure.  If he is unable or unwilling to listen, you must do everything within your power to escape from the outfit at once.

Remember, it is not disrespectful or disloyal to escape from a ridiculous outfit.  In fact, it is imperative that you do so immediately.  Otherwise you will most assuredly be photographed, the photographs will surface on the Internet, and you will have little chance of ever recovering your dignity."

Rex and Sparky, why have I waited so long to learn?  Ah, well, better late than never.  They have some helpful tips for specific costumes.  This should come just in time for your holiday celebrations.  Good luck!

"Reindeer

This common seasonal humiliation is fairly simple to escape; all you have to do is work free of the awkward antler headdress.  To do this:

1.  Bow your head until the antler tips are touching the floor.
2.  Work the antlers into the ground.
3.  The antlers should fall from your head.  Pick them up, take them outside, and quickly bury them in a neighboring yard.

Elf

The holidays are rife with costuming dangers.  Those fortunate enough to escape the l9oathsome reindeer outfit should not gloat too quickly, lest they find themselves outfitted in the dignity-robbing elf costume."  Oh, do I know the humiliation!!  Let's learn how to rescue ourselves! 

"1.  Find a solid, freestanding object or a sturdy wall where you can work unobserved by your costumer.
2.  Begin rubbing the costume against the wall, slowly at first, and then more forcefully.  At the same time, use your paw to tug the bottom of the costume toward the floor.
3.  The snaps holding the felt costume around your shoulders should give, freeing you.
4.  If you are wearing a cap, you use the removal techniques listed above for antlers.
5.  Shred the costume thoroughly.  We suggest ripping each item into at least thirty-two smaller pieces.  Chew on it, drool on it, but whatever you do, be thorough.  You want to ensure that felt never touches your fur again."

Oh, wise and wonderful Rex and Sparky!  Finally someone has written about things we all really need to know.

Tomorrow, Rex and Sparky will answer all your most burning questions about the world!